Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

#dnd #ttrpg

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.