[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
That eye roll….
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
CUTE CAT‼︎
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?