@DaHess1

Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.

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@3sunzzz

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

@3sunzzz

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

@Parentpains

My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.

@DawleyGirl

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

@Kryzazy

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

@hamersauce

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

@lazerdoov

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

@asherperlman

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”