Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.

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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.


[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.


The closest I’ve come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I’m getting weighed.


ME: I’m gonna plug my Twitter handle.
WIFE: Please don’t.
ME: I’m gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*


[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’


My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.


[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now


Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old


I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.