waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
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My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans