If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
New menu item
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that