Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

PLOT TWIST:

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

They also CAN sing✌️

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Tell the colonel to bring it

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway