Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
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pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
