Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
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My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
True?
