@zachreinert03

Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME

You Might Also Like

@AtticusFinch79

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

@Gupton68

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

@Kids_kubed

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

@Ben_Langley_

When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”

@odannyboy

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

@TweetPotato314

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@MariaSmal_

Guys, the history of marathons is kinda wack …. a guy in ancient greece died after running 26 miles & what do we do to honor him? We run 26 miles & … NOT die ? ppl decided to just flex on him for the rest of eternity? If anyone pulls smthng like that on me it’s instant hands

@Darlainky

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?