Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME

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*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*


Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.


Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth


When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”


DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.


i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”


Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.


Guys, the history of marathons is kinda wack …. a guy in ancient greece died after running 26 miles & what do we do to honor him? We run 26 miles & … NOT die ? ppl decided to just flex on him for the rest of eternity? If anyone pulls smthng like that on me it’s instant hands


If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?