Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
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Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
and now we wait
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Otters see a butterfly.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
12653.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.