Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
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[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.