Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
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Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Become ungovernable.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Donkey Kong sommelier
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party