Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.