Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.