Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
*email from Amazon*
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Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.