Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Nice try Hitler
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Sharon I have some bad news
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.