Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
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* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.