Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

I really had high hopes for this year though

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)