Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

We’ve all been there

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.