Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

pain

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

can i punch you in the face but like romantically?