Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the council will decide your fate

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

This squirrel eats better than I do

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

who called it hell and not heaven’t

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

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