Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.