Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

X-tra spooky blend

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.