Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My therapist after every session
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.