Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun