Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.