Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Born to be mild.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
When you don’t understand how floors work
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time