Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!