…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Bread puns are on the rise!
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.