In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.
Not to brag but I can produce cute children. DNA and all.
Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.
Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor