@SoVeryBritish

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

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@CherBear162

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

@aspaul

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

@Chelsea_Fagan

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

@Up2Long

Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.

@WeissBrandon

Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.

@_steamy_mac

Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”

@AimeeHelene1

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

@Browtweaten

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out