“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much