“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!