Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.