Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

My first son he is wonderful

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?