“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
barbara was highly relatable
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Finally! 😈
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.