“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time