anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
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[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
me hooking up with my ex
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.