anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
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ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”