anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
You Might Also Like
How all things should be taught/explained.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?