anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
There is no try. There is only give up.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.