ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice