ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
You Might Also Like
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs