ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I have taken up painting
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
NASA has no chill
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My dad teaching me to drive
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?