Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …