AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
As the Lord intended
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”