AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
🐕🍷
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.