Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

How it started: How it’s going:

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

2 years later

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded