Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.