AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper