AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
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Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
why isn’t he texting back
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office