Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.