“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base