“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
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roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My dad teaching me to drive
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
welp
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.