apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
A family that plays together cheats.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.