Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.