apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
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There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
#MeanwhileInCanada
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
hello pervert is such a strong opener
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
There is no “we” in pizza
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover