Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
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I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.