Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
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I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
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As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
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Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
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me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
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Drug dealer: What do you want?
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.