apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
