apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
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In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Yes
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.