[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
