Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

23. the denim jacket