[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
How did we not see this back then?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
New favorite tiktok
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
