Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business