Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
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Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
thanksgiving in nutshell
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Jogging
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️