Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Okay, I’m still confused…

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.