Ape together strong
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*