@OfficeofSteve

Apes stopped waving at us ever since they found out we evolved from them

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@killazilla

My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.

@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.

@KeetPotato

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@TheAndrewNadeau

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

@DancesWithTamis

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”