[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
If I ignore life will it go away?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.