Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

This could’ve been an email.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

what it’s like dating me:

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE