Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

The Punning Dead.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.