Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
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If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice