Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
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Breaking news:
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.