Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
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[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Cucumbers Anonymous
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.