Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

doing your own taxes

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth